I wear earplugs to bed every night.

Why?  Because my husband snores and until I find a way to legally drug him long enough to drag his limp body convince him to go to a snoring clinic for that operation minor procedure, it’s the only way I can possibly sleep in the same room as him.

And I don’t really mind.  The ones I use (above) are actually quite comfortable.  And in addition to snoring, they also succeed in blocking out any and all other background noise.  Which includes, but is not limited to; barking neighborhood dogs, hot tub parties in the next backyard, young children having nightmares and possibly smoke detectors (although I am slightly concerned about that one).

I buy a pack of 20 every couple months.  I use a pair for about a week or so before I discard of them and fetch myself a fresh pair.  Fresh earplugs, by the way, are the best.

But sometimes I drift off to la-la-land with them still in my hand.  I intend to insert them, but then I put my head on the pillow, and maybe watch the news or drowsily chit-chat with Willie, and the next thing I know I’m waking up to some snoring and the plugs are scattered under the covers beneath me somewhere.  Dang – hate that!

And last night was just such a night.  I stupidly made the fatal error of putting my tired head down on the comfortable pillow before inserting said ear plugs and before I knew it, I was asleep.

Except this time I didn’t wake up to the snoring.  No.  Much, much worse.  I was rudely awoken by a terrible, horrible, chemical taste in my mouth.

What the heck . . . ?  AHHHHHHHH!  There was an earplug in my mouth!  MY MOUTH!  And I was – CHEWING it!  An earplug that I had been using all week – IN MY EARS!!!!

Of course I immediately spat it out and threw it across the room.  Gagging in the process.  I’ve been totally grossed out ALL day.  And I just keep asking myself – why?  “Why did you put the used earplug in your mouth?  What could possibly have possessed you to do that?  How did that seem like a good idea?  How long had you been chewing it?”

Because just like “I was drunk” is no excuse for having an affair, I don’t believe that “I was sleeping” is an excuse for used-ear-plug-chewing.  But apparently that’s just the type of person I am.  A used-ear-plug-chewer.  And the sooner I come to terms with that – the better it will be for all of us.

Hi.  My name’s Cher.  And I’m a used-ear-plug-chewer.