So I’ve been meaning to do a post for awhile.

But I haven’t.  Obviously.

And then everyone some people someone started asking me things like ”why haven’t you posted in so long?” and “aren’t you blogging anymore?” and “how much longer do we have to wait for a post?!” until I finally had to say “Listen Mother – I’ve been really busy!  And besides, I talk to you almost everyday – you know exactly what’s happening in the life of The Only Girl so why do you need to read about it on the Internet!”

But that didn’t seemed to satisfy her.

So here’s a post.  For my Mom.  And Willie.  And those other 2 people that keep bugging me. 

I realize its been 2 months, and frankly I’m tired of seeing myself at the bottom of everyone’s blogroll list because of that fact.  Because I do see all your blogs.  Everyday.  I may not post one of my own, and I may not comment on yours very often, but I assure you, I’ve been reading each and every thing you write.

I won’t bother to update you on the past 2 months, but suffice it to say, they’ve been busy.  Not with anything in particular – just life stuff.  And maybe unicycle lessons.  Or a spot on a reality TV show.  Or not.  I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

Oh, and “The E! Network” was launched in Canada!  Which means nightly Chelsea for me, not to mention those crazy Kardashians.  Pure. Bliss.  In fact, I’m willing to go out on a limb and suggest that E! and my PVR could be partly responsible for my blog break.

But here we are.  Boxing Day.  That glorious day when all the craziness of Christmas is finally over and I give myself permission to stay in my pjs, drink coffee and play on my laptop till whenever I damn well please.  And as I write this, at 9am, I am STILL the only one awake in my house!  Now THAT’S a Christmas present!

Hope you all had a wonderful and happy holiday.

mwah!

We ordered Chinese food the other night.

At the end of my meal I decided to enjoy a fortune cookie.  For one, I find them to be very yummy.  For two, I believe that they are relatively low in calories (if you have any evidence to the contrary, please keep it to yourself).  And for three, I like the little fortunes.  Strange and quirky?  Sure.  But harmless fun in the comfort of your own home nonetheless.

This was my fortune:

“Ask not what your fortune cookie can do for you but what you can do for your fortune cookie.”

So here’s the question – What the HELL do you suppose THAT is supposed to mean!?!?

Naturally I couldn’t help but contemplate it all weekend . . .

Is it something so deep that my low intelligence is simply not able to grasp it?

Have I been looking at fortune cookies completely wrong all these years?

Is it merely an Asian factory worker trying to pull a fast one on me?

Are fortune cookies actually made in the US by JFK fans?

Please submit your thoughts immediately.  This mystery must be solved.

Last weeks WSCD (What Should Cher Do?) poll’s topic was about Cher at the G20 Summit.  The answer that received the most votes was “Try to get her face in a picture that’s picked up by the Associated Press”.  And although I had NO intentions of heading to downtown Toronto to complete such a task, I was fully planning on photo shopping my newly botoxed face into a picture for all of you.  It would be funny.  Perhaps my “body” would be wearing something outlandish and ridiculous – think Hippie chick with purple hair.  And we would laugh.  My intentions were good.

And then this weekend happened.  And all hell broke loose in Toronto.  And it was no longer funny.

The city had been preparing for the worst, but we all thought it was overkill.

We were wrong.

Unfortunately the peaceful and legitimate protests of many were marred by the violent and criminal behaviour of a few.

I spent most of the weekend glued to the TV where they showed live coverage around the clock.

Our city was transformed into something we have never seen in this country;

• Rioting
• Looting
• Vandalism
• Over 900 arrests in 48 hours
• Tear gas & gas masks
• Police in full riot gear MARCHING through the streets

Sights that some other far away countries probably experience every day, but one I hope not to see in my country anytime soon.

Elle reported that she walked past much of the damage on her way to work this morning, and that people in the downtown core are still shaking their heads in disbelief.

So, instead of laughing at a photo shopped picture of me this morning, I urge you to view the pictures in this link.  And be thankful we don’t live like this everyday.

So Elle, my BFF eyes & ears on the Toronto G20 front line, came through with a few pictures yesterday on her way home from work.

This particular shot was taken VERY near the centre of the action, right at the perimeter of the protected zone.  Only small protests have taken place so far.  Hopefully it stays that way (click pic to enlarge - if you want).

This morning she was riding the subway to work where she was kept company by a “pack” (that’s what they’re calling them) of 8 policeman with full riot gear.  Do they know something we don’t???  Elle desperately wanted to get a picture for y’all, but didn’t think Toronto’s finest would appreciate it.  I may need to find a braver photographer.

(be sure to cast your vote in yesterday’s poll - I’m unable to make any of my own decisions)

Also, you may have heard that Ontario experienced an earthquake yesterday.  It was only a 5.0 magnitude and very minimal damage was reported - certainly nothing around my area.  But we’re not used to earthquakes up here.  I don’t think I’ve ever experienced one.  And as luck would have it, I almost missed it.

I was in my car at the time and was stopped at a traffic light.  Like usual, my mind was in La-La Land somewhere and the music was on.  Then I felt a little something.  A shake or a shimmy you might say.  To which I thought “is that my car?  Is it running rough?  Did someone just give me a little nudge from behind?  Hmmm.  How odd.”  And that was that.  The light turned green, and off a-shopping I did go.  Oblivious as usual.

Till I heard the news on the radio about 30 minutes later and put 2 and 2 together.  Needless to say it created a LOT of buzz and excitement around here, particularly in downtown Toronto.  With all the G20 preparations, people immediately thought the shaking and rumbling was the result of an explosion.  Thank God it wasn’t.

It also happened right around the time the Mr. Obama’s FIVE big honkin’ military helicopters were performing a test run and many people initially attributed the vibrations to them.  Did you know he often travels in a pack of five copters???  Yes, apparently it confuses the bad guys.  “Which one is he in?  Is it that one?  That one?  Ah forget it – this is just too confusing.”

I wonder if that tactic would also work with the boys, our multiple bathrooms and the never-ending “Where’s Mommy” game?

In case of aftershocks, I need to know quickly:  do we head for the basement or head for the hills?  Stand under a door frame?  Cower in the bathtub?  Run out into the street?  Apply pressure and call 911?  I’m not really up on my natural disaster survival skills (Surferwife – I’m counting on you here).

Have you ever experienced a violent protest or a big earthquake?

Have you been thinking about updating your blog design?  Want your own Twitter background?  Wish you had a blog signature or a favicon?  Well, here’s your chance!

Bloggy Blog Designz is having a giveaway!!!   They are giving away blog designs and all kinds of goodies.  Plus ALL entrants will receive 20%off their purchase through the end of the month!  Be sure to check out their website for more information, or to enter yourself (like I just did!).  Take a look at their portfolio and packages to see what’s right for you.

The first 5 entrants will receive a $15 giftcard.  The giveaway will close on June 19th, so be sure to have your posts done and comments left by midnight!  Good Luck to everyone!

(via Google)

Late last night I managed to uncurled myself out of my pitiful PMS fetal position, crawl out of my pit of despair, dispose of all the tear crusted tissues that were littered around me, wipe the crumbs of chocolate and potatoes chips off my face (WHY is that such a delicious PMS pairing?!), and happily said “buhbye” to that damn monthly zit  (I don’t get zits, like ever, except for PMS time – grrr).  I believe I’m now on the road to recovery and am feeling more like myself today (Willie – it’s safe to come home now).  WTF???  Why do some months come and go with nary a symptom, and other months give you a full out throat punch?  Eff you Mother Nature!

So today I just have a bit of housekeeping for you.

First up – we have a new Office Tour today!  Woot woot! *pumps both arms in the air*

Be sure to head over to see Shana at Fumbling Towards Normalcy.  Not only does she work in NYC, she has a kick ass view of a terrace that has been known to play host to a certain celeb.

Who’s going to do the next one?!

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Next up is a reminder of the awesome giveaway my girl Surferwife has going on.  She’s twitter friends and besties with a crazy amount of celebs and one of them has offered up an autographed copy of their new book.  AND she’ll ship it to Canada!  Surferwife is SO international.  Head over here and enter.  Right now.  I’ll wait . . .

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And finally, the other day, during my PMS haze, I did a guest re-post here over at Jade’s blog Now That I’m No Longer 25.  Jade lives in Scotland, and in addition to other great stuff, she does some awesome travel posts.  I only hope I’ll get to visit some of those places one day (hey in laws – check out this one on Glasgow!).

Okay.  Must run.  There’s a box of Midol calling my name.

What’s your favourite PMS snack?

My Youngest attended a birthday party last weekend.  He also had 2 more this weekend.  He also has another coming up this week.  And that’s in addition to his own 2 parties this week (1 with his friends, 1 for family).  I know!  Craziness.  And lots of time spent in the toy department.

In preparation for his party, I’m tasked with the job of arranging loot bags today.  Ugh.  I’m between three schools of thought on this;

1. Head to the Dollar Store and fill up on junkie crap that will either break in the first 24 hours, not work at all, or annoy the other parents so badly that it prematurely ends up in the trash
2. Go with a gift card to a local toy store or ice cream parlour, where the little 6 & 7 year olds can participate in the joys of capitalism
3. Be the first Mother in this age group to buck the loot bag system and send the little darlings home with nothing but a “thanks for coming”

I’m really tempted to go with # 3.

Where did this craziness called “loot bags” come from?!  And at what age does it stop?!

Is it not enough to invite 16 children for 2 exciting hours of play at the Enchanted Castle, where all their indoor private playground dreams will come true?  Where climbing structures, bouncy castles, air hockey, video games and germ infested ball pits with all their friends is theirs for the taking?

And if that’s not enough, they will be fed pizza.  PIZZA for God sake!  What kid doesn’t dream about that?

And for the few that have managed to slip by still unimpressed, surely the ice cream cake will win them over.  No?

Clearly not.  All these things do not win them over.  What they really came for, is the loot bag.  And I know this because each Mother attempts to win the kids over more than all the other Mother’s before her.  Loot bags are no longer just a collection of tooth-rotting candy like when I was a kid.  No no.  We’re now on to full blown craft projects they can take home and create.  Like the “design your own baseball hat” or “personalize your own mini hockey stick” The Youngest recently received.

The kids have also become wise to rating the loot.  In fact I had to give The Youngest a little “just be thankful” lecture after he recently returned from a party and announced that “this is the worst loot bag ever”.  There’s definitely some loot bag pressure and it’s being doled out by the kids themselves.  Go figure.

But this weekend I feel we had a loot bag break through.  One Mother simply placed a $5 bill inside a helium filled balloon – a straight out bribe.  “Here kid – here’s $5 bucks.  Thanks for coming.  Now go tell everyone this was the best party ever and that no one’s Mom is better than me.  Spread the word.  That’s a good boy.”

What’s the strangest loot bag item you’ve seen?  At what age do these bribes loot bags stop?  Should I go with Dairy Queen gift cards or Toys R Us and how much?  Help!

Canada has now lost 142 soldiers in the war-torn country of Afghanistan since the mission began in 2002.

Pte. Tyler William Todd, age 26, will be coming home today.  He was killed by an IED (improvised explosive device).

Now, I’m not particularly political.  And there are many opinions about whether these guys & girls should even be there in the first place or not.  But the reason I mention this is because I am incredibly proud about what happens when these soldiers come home.

I think those of us in Canada are all well aware of what goes down, but I really wanted to share this with my International readers.

The soldiers, regardless of where they’re from, land and are repatriated at the Canadian Forces Base in Trenton, Ontario and travel west along Highway 401 into Toronto for an autopsy before being returned to their family for burial.  Wikipedia describes this route best;

“On 24 August 2007, the Ministry of Transportation announced that the stretch of Highway 401 between Trenton, ON and the intersection of the Don Valley Parkway and Highway 404, in Toronto, would bear the additional name Highway of Heroes, in honour of Canada’s fallen soldiers (notably those who died on duty in Afghanistan).  This length of the freeway is often traveled by a convoy of vehicles carrying a fallen soldier’s body, with his or her family, from CFB Trenton to the coroner’s office at the Centre for Forensic Sciences in Toronto, and since 2002, when the first of Canada’s fallen soldiers were returned from Afghanistan, crowds from communities along this part of the 401 lined the overpasses to pay their respects as convoys passed.”

This particular stretch of Highway passes right through my town.  It is also the stretch of Highway I drive to and from work every day.  So I have been witness to such sad convoys many a time.  Too many perhaps.

As I’m sitting in my car on the way home from work is usually about the time the convoys go through on the opposite side of the highway.  And you can’t miss it.  First, several local police cruisers pave the way with their lights flashing.  Then several black sedans carrying military personnel.  Then the hearse.  Or two.  Or three.  Then several black stretch limousines carrying the family members of each soldier.  Followed up by a few more black sedans and local police cruisers.  It’s a big convoy.

And of course it affects you.  It’s someone’s son or daughter in there.  It’s a family in mourning.  And as they pass by, it really hits home and becomes very real.

But it’s what happens above that never ceases to amaze and impress me.  Almost every bridge that this convoy passes under during it’s 2 – 3 hour drive is covered with crowds of people.  EVERY time.  All waving hands and flags in support.  And in thanks.  For the sacrifice these families have made.  It’s very emotional.  And I can’t help but get teary every single time.

The following pictures are what the families in those black stretch limousines see as they make that drive.  It’s really a lovely tribute.

(all images via Google)

I wish we didn’t even have to do this.

But since we do, I just wanted you to know how we do it – Canadian style.

Seinfeld, is one of my all time favourite shows ever.  In fact, Willie and I can frequently be found watching re-runs or throwing out quotes to each other.  To the point where we may or may not actually be able to re-create scenes.  And I do feel a certain camaraderie with Elaine  – what with the “only girl” thing and all.

TV Guide once named Seinfeld the greatest television program of all time.  Although I’m sure that could be argued by some, I would definitely agree.

And if being a critical favourite, commercial blockbuster and cultural phenomenon wasn’t enough, Seinfeld has also enriched our vocabulary.  Who could forget these terms;

The Close Talker – one who speaks to a person at point blank range (usually with both peoples’ noses less than a foot away from the other)

The High Talker – 1) a man with a very high voice 2) a man who gives the impression of being a woman over the telephone

The Low Talker – 1) a woman who speaks in a very low (sometimes sub-sonic) voice 2) a woman who speaks in a low, inaudible tone in order to trick some-body into wearing a funny looking shirt on a nationally televised talk show

But I’m afraid they have overlooked one other kind of Talker, which I will now take the liberty of adding;

The Laugh Talker – A person, usually a female, who finds it necessary to laugh/giggle after EVERY thing they say. Whether it deserves a laugh/giggle or not.

Examples:

Me:  Good Morning
The LT:  Good Morning . . . hee hee hee

Me:  Are you almost done with the photocopier?
The LT:  yep, I’m on my last page . . . hee hee hee

Me:  Is this your file?
The LT:  Oh yeah, sorry . . . hee hee hee

Me:  I really like your new jacket
The LT:  Really?  Thanks . . . hee hee hee

Me:  So, how’s the wedding plans coming?
The LT:  hee hee hee . . . we’re getting there . . . hee hee hee

Me:  Did you hear Bob got let go!?
The LT:  Yeah, isn’t that terrible . . . hee hee hee

Me:  I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandmother
The LT:  Thanks . . . hee hee hee

Really?  Are these replies really worthy of giggles?  NO.  So stop wasting perfectly good giggles!  Save them for something that’s actually funny.

You, Laugh Talker, are a Hipster Doofus!

Are you a Laugh Talker?  Do you know any?  Got any other kind of “Talkers” for me?  I’m submitting this to Jerry himself, so I could send yours at the same time if you’d like.

Well, well, well. What can I say? As a Canadian, it can officially be said that my people RULE at hockey! Olympic gold for the woman AND for the men? Wow. Of course I’d love to rub it in, but since we Canadians are polite and well mannered, I’ll just let that opportunity pass in favour of saying that yesterday’s game was great. Very close, very tense, and really exciting to watch (love you Sidney Crosby)!

But what gets me every time is when the camera pans over to the loosing team – whoever it might be, and in whatever sport – and you see their sad, disappointed faces. Of course it breaks my heart and I start to tear up right along with them. Damn my sensitive side!

But now it’s all over. Over! What will we watch on TV tonight? What will we talk about in the elevator and around the water cooler at work every day? The Olympics were a real family viewing event in our Living Room every evening and I’m going to miss it.

I am, however, going to continue to wear my red mittens.  DON’T try to stop me!

Will you be missing the Olympics tonight or are you glad it’s done with?  Do you wish you had a pair of Canadian red mittens like I do?  Have you been recently overcome with the desire to take up an obscure and dangerous winter sport?  Do you find yourself appreciating full length spandex body suits more than you did 2 weeks ago?  Do you frequently find yourself shouting “HARD” in inappropriate places or at inappropriate times?

Leave it for me in the comments.  I’ll read it later when I’m back from Speed Skating practice.  Look out 2014 – here I come!